One Thing to Do in Heaven

Those of us born around 1940 are the last generation who grew up with the pop music now called the Great American Songbook. We heard the work of masters—Irving Berlin, Duke Ellington, George Gershwin, Jerome Kern, Cole Porter, Richard Rodgers, Fats Waller, and maybe 100 others—all the time on the radio. I pity subsequent generations the bilge they have been made to love as their own.

Great though the Songbook is melodically, it’s only fair to admit that some of its lyrics fall short. Stephen Sondheim, one of the last living Songbook contributors, has said that when he had Maria celebrate herself as “pretty and witty and bright” in West Side Story he unfortunately had nothing to say.

I’ve decided that something useful I can do in paradise is improve the lyrics of the great songs that need it. Consider these stanzas:

Way down among Brazilians
Coffee beans grow by the billions
So they’ve got to find those extra cups to fill
They’ve got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil

You can’t get cherry soda
Cause they’ve gotta sell their quota
And the way things are I guess they never will
They’ve got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil

Sold a million records, but I’d like it to make more sense. As, for example,

Here’s the problem for Brazilians:
Coffee beans grow by the billions
And there aren’t sufficient cups for them to fill.
They’ve got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil.

Don’t ask for mineral water,
You must drink your coffee quota,
Though the way beans grow you know you never will!
They’ve got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil.

The song’s bridge lyrics look to be a challenge—“No tea or tomato juice / You’ll see no potato juice / Cause the planters down in Santos / All say no, no, no.” It’s nice to know I’ll have as long as I want to work on them.